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The Voice Of Your Mom Since 1914 April "1," 2003 i Mr*- A* : Fakus Campus Stauffer Hall abandoned ■ DEBAUCHERY by Eric Dzinski President of the N*Sync fanclub Citing last week's fire-alarm- window-breaking-feces incident as "the last straw," Dean of Students Dave Leonard has announced plans to formally abandon Stauffer Residence Hall. According to Leonard, as of Thursday, May 1, Whittier College will no longer take responsibility for the property or people in Stauffer, and will let the building lie derelict until the remaining residents move out or "those animals burn it down." Though they will be allowed to remain in the building, services such as housekeeping, maintenance and access to the outside world will no longer be available to Stauffer residents. A full-time security cordon has been erected around the perimeter of the building, which Leonard said is for the protection ofthe rest of the campus. An electrified chain- link fence patrolled by armed guards will serve not only to keep current residents in, but also to keep others out. According to Assistant Chief of Campus Safety John Lewis, who heads up the new patrol unit, "Oddly enough, keeping people out of Stauffer hasn't been that big of an issue." The staff of Stauffer, including Resident Advisors and Area Coordinator Anne Ehrlich, was evacuated prior to the closing of the building. "My hypothesis is that they will either form some primitive tribal system, or just start killing each other off one by one." David lyam Professor of Anthropology The College has relocated the R.A.s as well as the seven Stauffer residents who wished to be spared. Erli- ch has moved her office into the A.C. apartment in Johnson Hall. When asked how she felt about vacating Stauffer and leaving residents to fend for themselves, Ehrlich replied, "There were some good kids in that hall, theoretically anyway, but oddly my headaches have stopped since I don't have to deal with them anymore." The question of what to do with Stauffer has been a hot topic among the faculty, staff and administration for months leading up to this week's decision. Though many suggestions have been made from a number of sources, Leonard called abandonment ' 'the most feasible both financially and legally." 'This has been a long time coming," saidLewis, an early proponent of abandoning thebuilding/'E very morning I come in with a stack of incident reports of student misconduct. I don't evenbotherchecking whathall they're from anymore." Though some professors have decried the decision as cruel and inhumane, others see it as an interesting intellectual opportunity. Professor of Anthropology David lyam said that he will be preparing an excursion into Stauffer during JanTerm of 2004 to study what, if any, cultures have arisen in the isolated area. "With their access to beer and internet pornography severely restricted, I would imagine the residents of Stauffer will begin to fight amongst themselves almost immediately," said lyam. "My hypothesis is that they will either form some primitive tribal system, or just start killing each other off one by one." War takes turn for better CAGE MATCH by Justin Hand 3orn to do it Hordes of disgruntled Iraqis and furious Republicans chanted and cheered viciously as they watched Saddam Hussein and George Bush fight it out in a makeshift arena formed from the remnants of a bombed-out, dome-style mosque. A crowd of liberals stood before the ticket booth (each ticket cost $30) holding signs and banners of protest. One rabid woman held a sign that said: "Death is only the beginning." The crowd had been hot since the beginning, particularly as the American audience members weren't used to the arid heat of the Iraqi desert. In a bout of impatience, the crowd began to stomp their feet and chanted: 'Two men enter, one man leave!" Sports history was made that day. A slight delay in events occured when a possible anthrax scare came from Bush's locker room. Chief of Event Security Norman Schwarz kopf said, "We thought Saddam may have tried to sabotage this one, but the mound of white powder in Bush's gym bag was just baby powder." In the spirit of reality television, the cast of Survivor and American Idol and Joe Millionaire himself were present at the event. In an effort to "Well, I guess it wasn't the biggest cop-out of his term." Unknown citizen, speaking of Bush's performance during the match steal the show, Millionaire tried to MC the event, but was booed off stage by the crowd who strongly objected to his morality. 'Tricking all of those nice girls into thinking he was that rich; things like that make me sick," commented Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "I just don't agree with...oh damn, that's Saddam walking in. Hey Saddam, rematch tirne,ho!IWANTBLOOD!"Rums- feld couldn't be reached for further comment as his attention was turned fully toward howling and jeering. * At one point during the fight Bush fell to the floor crying for his daddy to come help him. Bush senior was heard yelling from the crowd, "Read my lips, you're a son of a bitch." While Bush was down, Saddam returned with a cheap shot shouting, "Get up tiny, pansy man. Crying to daddy won't help you now. This isn't Desert Storm. You're mine, you illiterate swine," to which Bush responded loudly. (Unfortunately, his grammar, sentence structure and pronunciation was so terrible that the audience was forced to give a collective shrug.) The cast of American Idol performed OutkastV'BombsoverBagh- dad" at halftime. After straying into a landmine (which was unintentionally left in the arena) all of the cast exploded. The crowd burst into an ecstatic frenzy as Idol remnants were routinely swept away, See CAGE MATCH, page 5 MARGO CHILLES /ROCKS MY WORLD The residents of Stauffer hall celebrate another Saturday night. Their upscale Stauffer accomodations are complete with a showcase of student artwork. Home, sweet home. Editors strike, cite inrampetanoe IWE'REINTROBLE by George Gonzalez Vegan since 1992 All three ofthe QCCopy Editors went on strike this week, stating that weekly violations of English syntax, constant misspellings and inaccurate reporting methods have caused them dyspepsia and a loss of make- out time, at a press conference Wednesday afternoon that was self- organized and self-attended. The editors are seeking the removal of the entire QC writing staff. 'To sell our labor for such a demeaning organization [the QC] is appalling and unnecessary," strike organizer and Copy Editor Meredith Wallis said. "We're not making Ni- kes in here." QC Editor-in-Chief Amy Stice said she supported the copy editors' right to unionize, but "I do not endorse this impromptu fiesta on Wednesday. I mean, we have to put out a paper [the next day], and I'm not going to proofread all this junk," as she motioned to unedited first drafts of Campus Life and A&E storiesat9:37p.m. Wednesday night. "The worst aspect of editing [the QC] is the careless indifference writers show to our meticulous editing," Copy Editor Natalie Kubasek said. "They don't even make all of our corrections, and if I'm going to sit here on this dusty couch till 2:30 a.m. I want those morons to fix their crummy crap." Wallis commented on the anti- vegetarian quips she has received on Wednesday nights: "[The QC] orders food when we stay late to finish See EDITERS, page 65 News I Can Use All articles in this issue are products of the sick and twisted minds ofthe QC editors and writers, and are entirely false. So don't call and say we misquoted you, because we know that. The advertisements, however, are not false. ISSUE 16 • VOLUME 89 We're well endowed Decorating made easy With quality content, that is. In fact, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell has something to say to you. Opinions— Who reads it anyway? A handy how-to guide for redecorating your dorm room using only newspaper and garbage. Eat your heart out Martha Stuart! Campus Life— Anyone "professional" hates it Fine cuisine PSYCHE! Oh man, did we have you going. Watch as the Apocolypse draws nigh and The Horsemen visit the C.I. A & E—For the Drunks. Ow! That hurts! Men's lacrosse tries out a nonviolent alternative to checking, and Brits get deported. Whee, the fun never ends. Sports— Yeah, we don't understand it either.
Object Description
Title | The QC, Vol. 89, No. 23* • April 10, 2003 ('Fakus Campus' [April Fools issue]) |
Publisher | Associated Students of Whittier College |
Description | The Quaker Campus (QC) is the student newspaper of Whittier College. The newspaper has been in continuous publication since September 1914. |
Subject | Student newspapers and publications -- Whittier College (Whittier, Calif.) |
Date | April 10, 2003 |
Language | eng |
Format-Medium | Newspaper |
Format-Extent | 8 pages ; 17 x 11.25 inches |
Type | image |
Format of digital version | jpeg |
Repository | Wardman Library, Whittier College |
Rights-Access Rights | Property and literary rights reside with Wardman Library, Whittier College. For permission to reproduce or publish, please contact Special Collections. |
Date-Created | 2013-11-12 |
Image publisher | Whittier, Calif. : Wardman Library (Whittier College), 2013. |
Description
Title | 2003_04_10_A001 |
OCR | The Voice Of Your Mom Since 1914 April "1," 2003 i Mr*- A* : Fakus Campus Stauffer Hall abandoned ■ DEBAUCHERY by Eric Dzinski President of the N*Sync fanclub Citing last week's fire-alarm- window-breaking-feces incident as "the last straw," Dean of Students Dave Leonard has announced plans to formally abandon Stauffer Residence Hall. According to Leonard, as of Thursday, May 1, Whittier College will no longer take responsibility for the property or people in Stauffer, and will let the building lie derelict until the remaining residents move out or "those animals burn it down." Though they will be allowed to remain in the building, services such as housekeeping, maintenance and access to the outside world will no longer be available to Stauffer residents. A full-time security cordon has been erected around the perimeter of the building, which Leonard said is for the protection ofthe rest of the campus. An electrified chain- link fence patrolled by armed guards will serve not only to keep current residents in, but also to keep others out. According to Assistant Chief of Campus Safety John Lewis, who heads up the new patrol unit, "Oddly enough, keeping people out of Stauffer hasn't been that big of an issue." The staff of Stauffer, including Resident Advisors and Area Coordinator Anne Ehrlich, was evacuated prior to the closing of the building. "My hypothesis is that they will either form some primitive tribal system, or just start killing each other off one by one." David lyam Professor of Anthropology The College has relocated the R.A.s as well as the seven Stauffer residents who wished to be spared. Erli- ch has moved her office into the A.C. apartment in Johnson Hall. When asked how she felt about vacating Stauffer and leaving residents to fend for themselves, Ehrlich replied, "There were some good kids in that hall, theoretically anyway, but oddly my headaches have stopped since I don't have to deal with them anymore." The question of what to do with Stauffer has been a hot topic among the faculty, staff and administration for months leading up to this week's decision. Though many suggestions have been made from a number of sources, Leonard called abandonment ' 'the most feasible both financially and legally." 'This has been a long time coming," saidLewis, an early proponent of abandoning thebuilding/'E very morning I come in with a stack of incident reports of student misconduct. I don't evenbotherchecking whathall they're from anymore." Though some professors have decried the decision as cruel and inhumane, others see it as an interesting intellectual opportunity. Professor of Anthropology David lyam said that he will be preparing an excursion into Stauffer during JanTerm of 2004 to study what, if any, cultures have arisen in the isolated area. "With their access to beer and internet pornography severely restricted, I would imagine the residents of Stauffer will begin to fight amongst themselves almost immediately," said lyam. "My hypothesis is that they will either form some primitive tribal system, or just start killing each other off one by one." War takes turn for better CAGE MATCH by Justin Hand 3orn to do it Hordes of disgruntled Iraqis and furious Republicans chanted and cheered viciously as they watched Saddam Hussein and George Bush fight it out in a makeshift arena formed from the remnants of a bombed-out, dome-style mosque. A crowd of liberals stood before the ticket booth (each ticket cost $30) holding signs and banners of protest. One rabid woman held a sign that said: "Death is only the beginning." The crowd had been hot since the beginning, particularly as the American audience members weren't used to the arid heat of the Iraqi desert. In a bout of impatience, the crowd began to stomp their feet and chanted: 'Two men enter, one man leave!" Sports history was made that day. A slight delay in events occured when a possible anthrax scare came from Bush's locker room. Chief of Event Security Norman Schwarz kopf said, "We thought Saddam may have tried to sabotage this one, but the mound of white powder in Bush's gym bag was just baby powder." In the spirit of reality television, the cast of Survivor and American Idol and Joe Millionaire himself were present at the event. In an effort to "Well, I guess it wasn't the biggest cop-out of his term." Unknown citizen, speaking of Bush's performance during the match steal the show, Millionaire tried to MC the event, but was booed off stage by the crowd who strongly objected to his morality. 'Tricking all of those nice girls into thinking he was that rich; things like that make me sick," commented Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "I just don't agree with...oh damn, that's Saddam walking in. Hey Saddam, rematch tirne,ho!IWANTBLOOD!"Rums- feld couldn't be reached for further comment as his attention was turned fully toward howling and jeering. * At one point during the fight Bush fell to the floor crying for his daddy to come help him. Bush senior was heard yelling from the crowd, "Read my lips, you're a son of a bitch." While Bush was down, Saddam returned with a cheap shot shouting, "Get up tiny, pansy man. Crying to daddy won't help you now. This isn't Desert Storm. You're mine, you illiterate swine," to which Bush responded loudly. (Unfortunately, his grammar, sentence structure and pronunciation was so terrible that the audience was forced to give a collective shrug.) The cast of American Idol performed OutkastV'BombsoverBagh- dad" at halftime. After straying into a landmine (which was unintentionally left in the arena) all of the cast exploded. The crowd burst into an ecstatic frenzy as Idol remnants were routinely swept away, See CAGE MATCH, page 5 MARGO CHILLES /ROCKS MY WORLD The residents of Stauffer hall celebrate another Saturday night. Their upscale Stauffer accomodations are complete with a showcase of student artwork. Home, sweet home. Editors strike, cite inrampetanoe IWE'REINTROBLE by George Gonzalez Vegan since 1992 All three ofthe QCCopy Editors went on strike this week, stating that weekly violations of English syntax, constant misspellings and inaccurate reporting methods have caused them dyspepsia and a loss of make- out time, at a press conference Wednesday afternoon that was self- organized and self-attended. The editors are seeking the removal of the entire QC writing staff. 'To sell our labor for such a demeaning organization [the QC] is appalling and unnecessary," strike organizer and Copy Editor Meredith Wallis said. "We're not making Ni- kes in here." QC Editor-in-Chief Amy Stice said she supported the copy editors' right to unionize, but "I do not endorse this impromptu fiesta on Wednesday. I mean, we have to put out a paper [the next day], and I'm not going to proofread all this junk," as she motioned to unedited first drafts of Campus Life and A&E storiesat9:37p.m. Wednesday night. "The worst aspect of editing [the QC] is the careless indifference writers show to our meticulous editing," Copy Editor Natalie Kubasek said. "They don't even make all of our corrections, and if I'm going to sit here on this dusty couch till 2:30 a.m. I want those morons to fix their crummy crap." Wallis commented on the anti- vegetarian quips she has received on Wednesday nights: "[The QC] orders food when we stay late to finish See EDITERS, page 65 News I Can Use All articles in this issue are products of the sick and twisted minds ofthe QC editors and writers, and are entirely false. So don't call and say we misquoted you, because we know that. The advertisements, however, are not false. ISSUE 16 • VOLUME 89 We're well endowed Decorating made easy With quality content, that is. In fact, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell has something to say to you. Opinions— Who reads it anyway? A handy how-to guide for redecorating your dorm room using only newspaper and garbage. Eat your heart out Martha Stuart! Campus Life— Anyone "professional" hates it Fine cuisine PSYCHE! Oh man, did we have you going. Watch as the Apocolypse draws nigh and The Horsemen visit the C.I. A & E—For the Drunks. Ow! That hurts! Men's lacrosse tries out a nonviolent alternative to checking, and Brits get deported. Whee, the fun never ends. Sports— Yeah, we don't understand it either. |
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