The QC, Vol. 89, No. 23* • April 10, 2003 ('Fakus Campus' [April Fools issue])

              The Voice Of Your Mom Since 1914
April "1," 2003
i     Mr*-
A*   :
Fakus Campus
Stauffer Hall abandoned
■ DEBAUCHERY
by Eric Dzinski
President of the N*Sync fanclub
Citing last week's fire-alarm-
window-breaking-feces incident as
"the last straw," Dean of Students
Dave Leonard has announced plans
to formally abandon Stauffer Residence Hall. According to Leonard,
as of Thursday, May 1, Whittier College will no longer take responsibility for the property or people in
Stauffer, and will let the building lie
derelict until the remaining residents
move out or "those animals burn it
down."
Though they will be allowed to
remain in the building, services such
as housekeeping, maintenance and
access to the outside world will no
longer be available to Stauffer residents. A full-time security cordon
has been erected around the perimeter of the building, which Leonard
said is for the protection ofthe rest of
the campus. An electrified chain-
link fence patrolled by armed guards
will serve not only to keep current
residents in, but also to keep others
out.
According to Assistant Chief of
Campus Safety John Lewis, who
heads up the new patrol unit, "Oddly
enough, keeping people out of
Stauffer hasn't been that big of an
issue."
The staff of Stauffer, including
Resident Advisors and Area Coordinator Anne Ehrlich, was evacuated
prior to the closing of the building.
"My hypothesis is that
they will either form some
primitive tribal system, or
just start killing each
other off one by one."
David lyam
Professor of
Anthropology
The College has relocated the R.A.s
as well as the seven Stauffer residents who wished to be spared. Erli-
ch has moved her office into the A.C.
apartment in Johnson Hall. When
asked how she felt about vacating
Stauffer and leaving residents to fend
for themselves, Ehrlich replied,
"There were some good kids in that
hall, theoretically anyway, but oddly
my headaches have stopped since I
don't have to deal with them anymore."
The question of what to do with
Stauffer has been a hot topic among
the faculty, staff and administration
for months leading up to this week's
decision. Though many suggestions
have been made from a number of
sources, Leonard called abandonment
' 'the most feasible both financially and
legally."
'This has been a long time coming," saidLewis, an early proponent of
abandoning thebuilding/'E very morning I come in with a stack of incident
reports of student misconduct. I don't
evenbotherchecking whathall they're
from anymore."
Though some professors have
decried the decision as cruel and inhumane, others see it as an interesting
intellectual opportunity. Professor of
Anthropology David lyam said that he
will be preparing an excursion into
Stauffer during JanTerm of 2004 to
study what, if any, cultures have arisen
in the isolated area. "With their access
to beer and internet pornography severely restricted, I would imagine the
residents of Stauffer will begin to fight
amongst themselves almost immediately," said lyam. "My hypothesis is
that they will either form some primitive tribal system, or just start killing
each other off one by one."
War takes turn for better
CAGE MATCH
by Justin Hand
3orn to do it
Hordes of disgruntled Iraqis and
furious Republicans chanted and
cheered viciously as they watched
Saddam Hussein and George Bush
fight it out in a makeshift arena
formed from the remnants of a
bombed-out, dome-style mosque.
A crowd of liberals stood before the
ticket booth (each ticket cost $30)
holding signs and banners of protest. One rabid woman held a sign
that said: "Death is only the beginning."
The crowd had been hot since
the beginning, particularly as the
American audience members
weren't used to the arid heat of the
Iraqi desert. In a bout of impatience,
the crowd began to stomp their feet
and chanted: 'Two men enter, one
man leave!" Sports history was made
that day.
A slight delay in events occured
when a possible anthrax scare came
from Bush's locker room. Chief of
Event Security Norman Schwarz
kopf said, "We thought Saddam may
have tried to sabotage this one, but the
mound of white powder in Bush's
gym bag was just baby powder."
In the spirit of reality television,
the cast of Survivor and American
Idol and Joe Millionaire himself were
present at the event. In an effort to
"Well, I guess it wasn't
the biggest cop-out of his
term."
Unknown citizen,
speaking of Bush's
performance during the
match
steal the show, Millionaire tried to
MC the event, but was booed off
stage by the crowd who strongly objected to his morality. 'Tricking all of
those nice girls into thinking he was
that rich; things like that make me
sick," commented Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "I just don't
agree with...oh damn, that's Saddam
walking in. Hey Saddam, rematch
tirne,ho!IWANTBLOOD!"Rums-
feld couldn't be reached for further
comment as his attention was turned
fully toward howling and jeering. *
At one point during the fight
Bush fell to the floor crying for his
daddy to come help him. Bush senior
was heard yelling from the crowd,
"Read my lips, you're a son of a
bitch." While Bush was down, Saddam returned with a cheap shot shouting, "Get up tiny, pansy man. Crying
to daddy won't help you now. This
isn't Desert Storm. You're mine, you
illiterate swine," to which Bush responded loudly. (Unfortunately, his
grammar, sentence structure and pronunciation was so terrible that the
audience was forced to give a collective shrug.)
The cast of American Idol performed OutkastV'BombsoverBagh-
dad" at halftime. After straying into a
landmine (which was unintentionally left in the arena) all of the cast
exploded. The crowd burst into an
ecstatic frenzy as Idol remnants were
routinely swept away,
See CAGE MATCH, page 5
MARGO CHILLES /ROCKS MY WORLD
The residents of Stauffer hall celebrate another Saturday
night. Their upscale Stauffer accomodations are complete
with a showcase of student artwork. Home, sweet home.
Editors strike,
cite inrampetanoe
IWE'REINTROBLE
by George Gonzalez
Vegan since 1992
All three ofthe QCCopy Editors
went on strike this week, stating that
weekly violations of English syntax,
constant misspellings and inaccurate reporting methods have caused
them dyspepsia and a loss of make-
out time, at a press conference
Wednesday afternoon that was self-
organized and self-attended. The
editors are seeking the removal of
the entire QC writing staff.
'To sell our labor for such a
demeaning organization [the QC] is
appalling and unnecessary," strike
organizer and Copy Editor Meredith
Wallis said. "We're not making Ni-
kes in here."
QC Editor-in-Chief Amy Stice
said she supported the copy editors'
right to unionize, but "I do not endorse this impromptu fiesta on
Wednesday. I mean, we have to put
out a paper [the next day], and I'm
not going to proofread all this junk,"
as she motioned to unedited first
drafts of Campus Life and A&E
storiesat9:37p.m. Wednesday night.
"The worst aspect of editing [the
QC] is the careless indifference writers show to our meticulous editing,"
Copy Editor Natalie Kubasek said.
"They don't even make all of our
corrections, and if I'm going to sit
here on this dusty couch till 2:30
a.m. I want those morons to fix their
crummy crap."
Wallis commented on the anti-
vegetarian quips she has received on
Wednesday nights: "[The QC] orders food when we stay late to finish
See EDITERS, page 65
News I Can Use
All articles in this issue are
products of the sick and twisted
minds ofthe QC editors and writers, and are entirely false. So don't
call and say we misquoted you,
because we know that.
The advertisements, however, are not false.
ISSUE 16 • VOLUME 89
We're well endowed   Decorating made easy
With quality content, that
is. In fact, Secretary of
State Colin L. Powell has
something to say to you.
Opinions— Who reads it anyway?
A handy how-to guide for redecorating your dorm room using only
newspaper and garbage. Eat your
heart out Martha Stuart!
Campus Life— Anyone
"professional" hates it
Fine cuisine
PSYCHE! Oh man, did we
have you going. Watch as the
Apocolypse draws nigh and
The Horsemen visit the C.I.
A & E—For the Drunks.
Ow! That hurts!
Men's lacrosse tries out a nonviolent alternative to checking,
and Brits get deported. Whee, the
fun never ends.
Sports— Yeah, we don't
understand it either.