Pretty girl considers CBC
by Colonel Mustard
Reports circulated among Cal
Baptist offices which were obtained
by the Bummer indicate that a truly
pretty girl will attend CBC next fall.
"We're really excited about this,"
said John Peanut, ASCBC president.
"Can you imagine? This may be the
biggest thing of my presidency."
"The whole staff is jazzed," said an
anonymous Kent "Studly" Flakus.
"I am taking full responsibilty for
'Luther Lunies' riot on campus
A near-riot broke out in the faculty parking lot late
yesterday afternoon as dozens of crazed CBC girls attacked
the car of professor Tim Luther. "The frightened bachelor was
seen running to his car pursued by an estimated 85 girls. The
Public Safety department dispersed the crowd with a water
cannon and riot gear. A full investigation is pending.
Chance wins coveted award
Jay Chance, vice president for public affairs, was named
"Good Man of the Year" by a civic group this week. Chance,
who has arranged several notable affairs for prominent
religious figures, has won the award for ten consecutive
years. One of the requirements for the award is the use of the
phrase "You're a good man" whenever possible in daily
Pothole causes near Holocaust
A Cal Baptist sprinkler technician found over 50 cars at
the bottom of a large pothole near the BOL last weekend.
Dazed officials said the cars apparently fell into the hole while
swerving to avoid the large canyon splitting the parking lot in
half. The hole was noticed when a maintenance golf cart fell
into the ever-widening gulf as its driver dove to safety.
Search for library continues
The search for the legendary Annie Gabriel library goes
on this week as frantic students begin to study. One student
who claims to have visited the inconspicuous building says he
knows of at least eight others who have made the perilous
journey. This number could swell into the twenties as finals
week draws near.
Financial aid makes an effort
The financial aid office was found open yesterday
morning before 11 a.m. according to reliable sources. No one
is certain why the office opened so early, but at least two
students were seen to enter the front door before lunch.
Officials refused to comment except to remark, "It's highly
unusual, and it won't happen again."
Banner gets last laugh
The Banner wishes to thank all of you sticks in the mud
for taking us so seriously this year. We're trying to put more
pictures in next year to spark literacy on campus, so hold on.
For more information, open your eyes and look around.
helping her adjust to college life as
quickly as possible."
Flakus, who wished to remain
anonymous, told the Bummer that
the girl, 18-year-old Miss Priss, is
transferring to CBC in order to take
easy classes and just get by.
"You can imagine that we did
everything in the world to get her
here," said Flakus.
"The students, especially the
baseball team, has really helped out
in the recruitment process. We got
requests from every guy in Smith
Hall to tutor Priss next semester."
The reaction in Simmons was not
"Great. Really great," said one
resident assistant who might live on
3D. "This will really help morale
on campus next year, and I hope
Flakus feels good about himself,
because no~one afotffidfrere does."
Another Simmons resident, seeing
a picture of Priss, commented:
"That's nice. I suppose Flakus
won't be calling anymore."
Priss is expected to graduate with
an honorary doctorate next spring.
She will receive the award merely for
showing up to classes twice per
"We don't need too many distractions in the classroom," said Bev
Garden, female professor. "The men
couldn't handle it anyway."
A "Welcome to CBC, Priss" party
will be held in the gym Aug. 1.
Admission will be $5 for male students, $10 for dirty old men, and $20
for angry female students.
The following is a public service
announcement for the overall physical, mental, and spiritual well-
being of every man, woman, and
child on this campus. It is brought
to you by the lovely Public Information Warehouse:
Thank you ever so much for your
gracious attention in this matter.
Get good with God,
send $8 million now
by Colonel Mustard
Cal Baptist recently announced the
formation of a new donor club for
special rich donors. "The God
Club," a heavenly gathering of righteous and wealthy donors, will be
able to eat at President Tuck's home
"any time they dam well please" as
one of their many benefits for
joining, said Jay Chants, vice president of public affairs.
Donors contributing $8 million or
more to the general fund at CBC
will be eligible for membership in
The God Club.
"We got the idea from Oral
"Retentive" Roberts," said Chants.
"But then God confirmed our efforts by sending the trustees a vision immediately following their
chili cookoff, telling them to raise
some funds or be cast into the pit
[Garrett Room]," he added.
Besides eating with the president,
club members will be able to write
textbooks for use at CBC, to call
"naughty" students bad names and
beat them about the shoulders, to
have their face plastered all over
newly refurbished wings, and to have
their feet washed and massaged by
any faculty, staff, or student body
"It's what we've always been looking for in a club," said one new
member. "I think it's wonderful that
God's finally realizing the profits to
be made in college fundraising."
"This club is a godsend," said one
"My life goal is to become rich
and join this club so I can come
back and harass everyone that doesn't
agree with me. Praise the Lord."
One problem with the new club is
that club members cannot always
agree among themselves.
"I think we should create a higher
club to weed out these piddly donors
and allow me to dictate more action
around here," said one God's Club
Special Friend First Class recipient.
"Maybe a Positive Thinking
In order to announce the new club,
the administration passed some new
rules for the campus which take
effect immediately. Shorts, t-shirts,
or any other "suggestive" clothing,
including open-toed sandals, are
banned from campus. Students must
bow and say, "I am nothing, praise
you," to any and all VIPs approaching them.
Other reforms include the formation of a academic freedom board to
certify that students are free from
outside ideas, the addition of closed
circuit cameras throughout the
campus, and the installation of a
"Spirit-O-Meter" in the admissions
office to weed out undesirable
"This is where the dream begins,"
said Chants. "And, oh, what a
dream it is."
Absolve your favorite student
and help the annual fund, too
An alleged report qualified by
unconfirmed suspicions, or so an
unnamed party was said to have
heard, supposedly reports that in the
alleged president's office this week or
so there were instances of so-called
wealthy executives perhaps obtaining some kind of absolvement for
alleged crimes on behalf of their
supposed favorite students.
With alleged checkbooks in hand,
the so-called men and women (or
whatever) were reported to have
parked some Mercedes-type vehicles
in staff parking or thereabouts, and
to have proceeded to the alleged
Student Life office where sufficient
restitution is reportedly supposed to
have been made concerning unknown
individuals of some concern.
The so-called allegedly rumoured
report/thing is said by someone unknown to this supposed paper to
have reportedly contained a near
break-down of amounts of what
annonymous officials might have
called standardized amounts of
"necessary restitution for proper
reinstatement" of the ever-so-slightly
besmirched students and their alleged
reputations to the student body,
wherever and whatever it might be.
The somewhat rumoured report is
said to have said to have coruained
rumours of alcohol-type offense-
a-dingalingies carrying somewhat
varying degrees of financial behavioural modificational-type conditions therein attached.
These conditions were reportedly
kind of paid to individuals known in
certain circles as resident assistants— although, of course, this has
not yet been confirmed—thereby
perhaps allowing the depositing of
stuff into alleged individual trusts for
the aforemetioned persons to whom
referrencewas made previously.
Reported shadows of the possibility of the presence-of-the- opposite-sex offenses also carried somewhat varying degrees of rumoured
monetary castigation, although such
rumoured situations seemed to have
required a deposit/thing for the
supposed account of certain aforementioned individuals who shall