The Bummer - May 27, 1983

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BUMMER
Vol. XXVI Issue 28
California Baptist College
Almost There
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CBC Scene
of Film
Twentieth Century Wolf, a
massive film conglomerate has
announced that CBC will be
the location of the shooting of
its new epic "Dr. Chicago."
The film, based on the story
of a caring doctor who is torn
between the love of his wife
and his Porsche 944, will be
filmed mostly in the Annie
Gabriel library.
"We needed large, loud,
unruly mob scenes and CBC's
library was obviously the
perfect spot." noted director
Francis Ford Chevrolet.
"The closing scene, a thrilling chase involving the
estranged 944 and Chicago's
wife on a unicycle with a flat
tire, will be filmed in the
Catacombs.
West Point West
Always dedicated, Staples calls home to check on the school.
Staples Wings It
CBC President James
Staples attended Spring Break
festivities in Ft. Lauderdale,
Florida disguised as a 20 year
old co-ed from Clemson, according to exclusive Banner
sources.
Staples apparently enjoyed
the week of sun and fun after
telling his wife he was going to
the Holy Land. "It's a matter
of opinion," he later
explained.
In Florida, Staples reportedly fell into bad company im
mediately, prowling the streets
into the early morning hours
with a loud group of revelers.
He also is reported to have
entered a wet T-shirt contest
with poor results.
He was, however, the first
place winner of a diving contest jumping 18 stories off a
Holiday Inn into a Dixie cup
of water. "I have a very hard
head" bragged Staples later.
True to CBC to the end,
Staples sat up a Cal Baptist
booth on the main strip to
garner mature Christian adults
or "anybody else who might
sign up."
"It was good for the
laugh," one drunken Harvard
Law student later exclaimed,
"Leave it to Jimmy-Boy; to
top everybody else."
At last report Staples was
seen drifting out to sea on a
dugout canoe strumming a
ukulele. His current
whereabouts are presently
unknown but apparently a
Banner across his back read
"Hawaii or Bust."
CBC students will soon be
rising at 5:30 a.m. to the
sound of bugles.
Col. Bob "Blood and Guts"
Bryson has revealed that next
year CBC will, be a jnilijary
sctiddl. "
"The West Point that's really west," brags Bryson, "the
Air Force Academy in Colorado, and now CBC in
California."
According to plans students
will line-up in formation on
the grounds between Smith
and Simmons Halls at 0600
hours, sharp.
They will then jog, led by
Bryson and Dr. Chance in the
right lane of the 91 Freeway to
March Air Force Base where
they will be drilled in guerrilla
combat and foreign missions.
They will then fly C-13JTS
b^aclc to GBC where they wuT
parachute   into   the   Garrett
Dining Hall.
Students must then kill a
cow in hand to hoof combat
which they will eat for lunch.
Students will then attend Mandatory Chapel for ten grueling
hours of Bible and helicopter
maintenance.
Taps will blow at two a.m.
and students may sleep for
thirty minutes.
World Shocked
Hot Water in
Simmons Solved
The lack of hot water in  the  dorms.  After  all,  these
In an effort to ease the worries that some students have
about being accepted at CBC,
the Admissions Department
has issued an official acceptance to the population of the
world.
"In the past we've worried
about little nit-picky requirements like the ability to
read and write," explains
spokesman John Spotter,
"From now on important
aspects such as the number of
students enrolled will have
their rightful place."
The acceptance letter, which
will be posted throughout pro
minent places in Southern
California such as restrooms
at Disneyland and Pussycat
theatres, congratulates the
world for their outstanding
achievement.
A taped version for those
who can't read is expected
next month.
The world, of course, was
suitably impressed. Notable
were three Afghan rebels, six
horsemen from Upper
Mongolia, and an ice cream
man from Van Nuys.
Lech Walesa, unfortunately, is apparently unaware of
his acceptance.
"The only real problem we
had was accepting Leonid
Breshnev," Spotter noted,
"but to our great advantage he
died."
Simmons Hall has finally been
permanently solved. There will
no   longer   be   any   showers
„ whatsoever.
A ranking administrator
noted in an interview Tuesday,
"We find it no longer cost-
effective to offer showers in
people are only students."
The two year problem has
caused considerable grief
amongst female students.
However, it now appears
they'll never have to wory
about cold showers again.
See Water Pg. 2
Trustees Unaware
Beautiful CBC
Situated on 70 acres of wasteland.
Located where the smog meets the freeway.
A recent survey held by Run
and Trot Polls has found nine
out of ten CBC trustees are
unaware of what the letters
CBC mean. Eight out of ten
thought that California Baptist College was a theme
amusement park in Arlington,
Texas.
"Isn't CBC a discount drug
store?"    queried   I.    M.
Righteous, long time trustee.
"CBC is a sexually
transmitted disease which is a
sign of the wrath of God
towards our promiscuous
generation," cried Much O.
Denaro, trustee and donor.
"I think CBC is a communist plot perpetrated by the
Chinese," noted trustee Adolf
Goering,    "it   stands   for
Chinese Beget Communists, a
billion to be exact."
"CBC, isn't that a Disc
Jockey School in L.A.?" concluded one.
The question concerning
California Baptist College
brought only quizzical looks
from most, however, one
trustee was reported to have
vomited.
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